Lets fly.

I wish I had time. Time to have time. Time to do me. Time to relax. For once, i wish i could be a normal teenager. I keep tellin myself that ima take a break from all of this hectic shit. I swear, i'm plannin like 20 things in my mind at once daily. For work, for myself, for my family, plannin my bills, plannin brian's birthday, plannin schoo inda fall, everything. at once. I'm like an organizer, mentally. In my mind, i think calculations, dates, and time. Imagine my brain though. I'm only 19 years old & i live the life of a 23 year old. And to tell you the honest truth, i'm goin crazy. I work so damn hard. I just want another two day off break. I loved it. It had me refresh everything that was on my mind. For example, right now, i'm thinkin of all the things that i could possibly update you lovely readers on, but i'm just flowin my fingers across the keyboard with the first thing that pops in my head. But throughout the time that I do have other than this during my everyday life, i'm plannin things before doin them. I'm a very precise, organized person. I swear, I thought I had OCD growin up til i watched it on the true life of what it REALLY was. And I just like things to be exactly where it needs to be.

I learned how much i've changed within the past year. I realized last year around this time, I worked three different jobs. Banana Republic, Footaction, and English tutoring for incoming college students-stupid economy. I lived in Fairfield. With my mom who was barely ever home. She was always out partying with her friends handin out her money like it was growin on our front lawn flower bushes or working an hour away. Though she'd just be spendin the money she worked for on pointless, unnecessary shit, leavin ME with nothin. I paid for my own meals, my own groceries, my own bills & helped others with theirs. I was hella alone last summer. I didnt keep in touch wid nobody but family. I didnt have my own car, my time was limited but it was all to myself. BUT NOW, i feel like all eyes are always on me. Like i'm givin everyone else my time besides havin time for myself. I feel like i got people breathin down my neck triena see when i'm gona make some stupid mistake for them to judge me or they have high expectations for me. And its like, i guess i'm makin everyone happy since I havent heard any complaints right. But right now, like right at this exact moment, i realized that no matter how many people are watchin my every move-hoping that l'll fall flat on my face or hopin for high end success- i just know that regardless, i work harder & earn everything that i'm about. i earn the gratitude & respect that i deserve. And that I consider my feelings first and reflect on what makes me happy. and who i have in my life are all that i need. and everyone else are just opportunists- in a good or bad way. I realized that within the whole entire year that i've been here in Sacramento, the only NEW people that i've met are my coworkers and a handfulla guys that know people I already knew. But then, i dont blame myself. I'm always indoors. I'm not the outgoing girl I used to be. I'm too busy, and I JUST DONT HAVE THE TIME ANYMORE :(